Dartmoor and the ponies were my saving again today. When overwhelm and anxiety hits there is nothing like ponies and nature to bring me back down to earth, to help me ground and breath.
Today resulted in a minor breakdown and panic and I am trying to navigate my way through it. It looks as though I will be having my port removed due to an infection around the line and it is not the news I wanted to hear.
As ever living with cancer is never linear, it’s a fine line I live between a functioning life and everything falling apart in a split second. One day I am camping and running around with Grace, the next I am a bawling mess in a lot of pain and fed up with having to advocate for myself yet again, and all in the first week of the school holidays, I am not impressed. I think I hold it together well most of the time, but something happens and the spiral spirals quickly. I went from enjoying a drink in the bookshop with Grace to noticing a missed call, listening to the voicemail and falling apart. Poor Grace, she has little understanding of what is happening, especially when it changes so suddenly. Thank goodness, as ever, for my parents distracting her when we got home!
I am panicking because the hospital consultants have mentioned sending a sample off for histology, I had a lump on the other side of my neck which was the first symptom of the stage 4 cancer in 2022, so my anxiety is high, whilst at the same time I am telling myself I had a scan in May, it was clear, this issue was brewing then so surely if it was cancerous it would have shown in those scans..? But sense is often hard to grasp in the midst of panic.
My other concern is what happens when the port is removed? Can I have another? During my treatment in 2020 I had a pic line which was a lot more faff and meant I couldn’t swim. I remember when having the pic line inserted, they told me I couldn’t swim. I was devastated, it was another thing being taken away from me and Grace, I used to take her swimming a lot. As it turned out Covid hit and no one could go swimming. I cannot face the thought of going back to a pic line and the implications of that. I try to tell myself I should be grateful that the port has done a good job for over 3 years, not so long ago there would have been no other choices – but it doesn’t help!
My next question is when will the surgery happen? I have plans, it is the summer holidays. I have risked a further chemo break to make the most of this time with Grace, surgery for port removal was not part of my plan. I also have to work to fund our activities and have Lapland fast approaching. But as it stands, I am just waiting for an appointment for the surgery with no further information. I have emailed requesting they avoid anything that will effect Bestival in a weeks time!!
And so to Dartmoor and the beautiful herd I was off to tend to. I am not sure who needed who more, or maybe I do know..!
When I first approached the ponies, Gorse immediately came up and put her nose on me. I burst into tears. Gorse is a pony I have loved for nearly as long as Tigger. She was part of the Dartmoor rescue herd I cared for 18 years ago and has always been special to me. She had a foal at foot when she arrived, the beautiful Bramble. Gorse was never handled fully, she was always a bit too nervous, she needs her space and we allowed it, with her accepting gentle handling at times when it was only really necessary. And now years on here she is, only allowing touch when she deems it ok and necessary, walking straight up to me and placing her muzzle on my heart. I put my hand on her neck and we stood like that for a while as my tears fell. Never underestimate the power of a Dartmoor pony! Having finished the chores I sat with the herd. Peace and calm surrounded me.
On the drive home the sunset was spectacular, I stopped for a while watching a kestrel hover above the moor. I then continued on and a deer was stopped in the road in front of me. Her coat was golden with the hues of the sun glancing off her. It felt like her huge brown eyes were looking directly at me, and then she leapt off into the trees. Seeing her filled me with hope. I decided my port will be removed, I will remain cancer free and therefore will not need to consider another one for a very long time, and also have no need to visit the hospital each month to have it flushed. This is the future I am welcoming and planning to happen. Also the surgery will not impact my ability to work and our planned adventures to Lundy, Gladiators and of course Bestival. Universe, you better hear me!!
We went camping last weekend to test the tent out pre Bestival. It was wonderful. We pitched up next to the river so managed to keep nice and cool!
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