Moving forward

but 10 steps back first......

I can't believe I find myself in hospital again.

I am supposed to be on a treatment break, but my body has other ideas spiking its second fever in two weeks.

Last week was a reaction, yesterday/today is another cellulitis infection. I had one just before Christmas which resulted in me being delerious and spending 5 nights here. Thankfully this time I realised what was happening a little quicker and got to the hospital for the IV antibiotics late yesterday afternoon.

I am hoping I can go home tomorrow afternoon with tablet antibiotics, assuming things are still going in the right direction.

I am struggling with this. I want to make the most of my time off chemo, but so far I've been healthier on treatment! I want to see Tigger and get him, and me, fit. I committed to a small amount of work as I need to pay for Lapland with Grace, and have already had to let them down. Even off treatment I am not reliable for anything - I cannot stress how frustrating it is having a body that won't cooperate and is completely unreliable- especially when you know your time is short and every day matters.

The conversations I am hearing on the ward are horrendous. On three sides of me people have been told there isn't any more that can be done and they hopefully have a couple of months, but maybe weeks. Again my heart breaks for them and their families as they hear this news; some sit in silence, some sob, some make a joke… there is no right or wrong way to react. One wants to make her daughter's wedding in September, but is told to prepare for that not happening, it is unlikely - she fights back with a refusal to believe and that she will think positively.

Husbands sit by their sides, heads low, looking lost.

It is the hardest bit about these hospital stays, witnessing and also knowing this is my future.

Hopefully the below will be me jumping up and down again before too long, because I am struggling with the mental impact of living with Stage 4 cancer and I need some lighthearted relief - how do I find myself here when just a couple of weeks ago I was celebrating a bit of freedom.

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