Having a moment

I question some of the thoughts that gather in my mind at times.

I question some of the thoughts that gather in my mind at times. I can only blame it on the consequences of living with a terminal diagnosis hanging over my head. Yesterday I had one of those surreal moments.

I went to check on Grace last night, she insists I go and see her again 10 minutes after saying goodnight and settling down, which of course I always do. She was already fast asleep, obviously shattered following her gymnastics competition and the physical and mental toll it took.

Rather than leave, I paused. I looked at her, soaking in my beautiful 8 year old girl. I placed my hand on her head, as I so often do, and watched her sleep my whole body aching with the love I felt for her in that moment, when she couldn't answer back!

I looked up and noticed my reflection suspended in her mirror above the bed, and froze. A sense of dissociation engulfed me. I felt like I was watching over her, merely an observer rather than physically being by her side. It sent shock waves through me and a sense of dread, because what if this happens? I never want to be a ghostly idea of a mother's love watching over, I want to be by her side with real hugs whenever they are needed, forever.

I snuck a photo because it all felt so surreal, like I was witnessing a future me, watching over Grace.

I grounded myself back into the now, then left the reflection behind feeling quite discombobulated!

A mix of my love and desperate need to always be with her and the anticipatery grief I live with were triggered when I saw the reflection!