I don't recognise myself any more. Who am I?!
One photo taken before cancer. I'm navigating my way as a new mum soon to be starting back at work. The other photo last week having a joyful dinner with my Godparents!
💗 8 years adds extra wrinkles and weight
💗 8 years of parenthood adds sleepless nights, extra stress and so much joy!
💗 6 years of cancer treatments adds everything else, and though I look different on the outside, the obvious hair loss/colouring, scars etc. the inside is what's really changed. The unseen scars run deep and never heal, I just eventually accept them until something happens again to trigger what's held.
I sometimes wonder what life would be without cancer, but there is no point in dwelling on it.
Even on a chemo break cancer rules. Today I had my port flushed and bloods taken, which ended up being stressful due to the GP not doing what was needed, thankfully the nurse as always was amazing. I nearly broke down in tears just at that, it shows what a delicate place I sit, not much tips me over the edge.
I have a procedure this month to investigate a skin legion with the words skin cancer being uttered, I am trying not to think about it. My own learned helplessness comes into action in these moments and through these procedures, a type of dissociation to protect myself, then a slow recovery getting myself back together as I work through the trauma. I know the process well, I've been doing it since I had full degree burns aged 18 months and ended up in hospital for 3 months, I am good at dissociation and removing myself from my body.
I have also found a lump under my arm that needs checking. Just because I already have a cancer diagnosis doesn't mean I can ignore such things. It could be the sleeping cancer waking up whilst off chemo, or a new cancer entirely. Or it could be nothing.
I am never free if it.
8 years on I know how strong and resilient I am but at times I feel so broken. At times I beg the universe to just give me a break! Please!!
I miss the happy joyful Kathryn in these photos, cancer has added a layer of negativity that I really struggle to break through some days. I recognise it is there and I try hard not to allow it to settle, but some days are easier than others. It's why I am always planning, looking for the fun things to do to keep me going. At times I question my sanity as there's nothing like putting the extra pressure of paying for a trip to Lapland on myself - but life is there to live and there is still so much of this world I want to see and share with Grace.
Hopefully once all procedures are sorted I can enjoy the summer and get some work done to pay for our trip! I really don't think it is skin cancer, I think it's an irritation from my port line that runs under it; as for the lump it might just be an ingrown hair - because off chemo hair is growing!
I wonder what life would be without cancer.
But... because of cancer I have a new appreciation for being alive. Because of cancer I am seeking out adventures I may never have experienced, because you always think there’s tomorrow. Because of cancer I have had so many incredible experiences and as much as it tried, it has not broken me and I don't plan to ever let it. The cracks and scars may be sore and bleeding but they will never stop me making the most of this precious life. Life is so rich, the colours, sounds, sensations, emotions, the animals, the plant life, the sea - it’s all pretty miraculous and we are so lucky we get to experience it, if only for a short time. I don’t think I would have quite the appreciation for what it all is without cancer. I feel the sun on my face in a different way now (though still always plastered in sun cream)!.
Go Fund Me (I always put this here and grateful for any help with absolutely no expectation)! When I started it over 3 years ago I was blown away by the generosity and I cannot express enough just how much it has kept us afloat and allowed us memory making trips and vital equipment to support me and Grace, like my mobility scooter. I am still paying for integrative health services, supplements and private consultations as well as trying to fund the Lapland trip and some fun in the summer holidays. I am working a couple of days a week whilst off chemo and £1000 is paid with £2000 to go by September - so I am getting there!
https://gofund.me/433f266f5
PS - Also please sign the Enhertu petition here : https://breastcancernow.org/get-involved/campaign-with-us/enhertu-now
Pre-cancer family freedom! My beautiful Nan has sadly passed now but this photo of her, my mum, me and Grace at Tiverton Canal always makes me smile! To be fair we have all changed a lot in 8 years - you wouldn’t recognise Grace either!
